Today, gentle reader, we delve into concepts of hell, salvation, and the disciplines that will lead to Christian maturity. Ready?

Let’s start with hell, which she describes as going over Niagara Falls. Frankly, I’m underwhelmed. Going over the falls would be bad, although Annie Edson Taylor did so in 1901 and survived. Maybe it was the barrel. Anyway. As a historian I’m hard to impress when it comes to describing hell. It’s hard to beat Dante for creativity, medieval art for vivid depictions (wide open jaws swallowing people whole is a very common motif), and Jonathan Edwards for terrifying imagery. “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” left quite an impression–a fiery abyss beneath a covering of rotted wood that could give way at any time–and there were spiders. I definitely remember the spiders. All this to say, the Niagara Falls comparison doesn’t work for me.

The first decision, then, is choosing to get out of the river, a.k.a., faith.

And then it gets interesting because she doesn’t stop there. The ‘what follows’ is clearly important to her. She talks about ‘cream puff religion’–basically, the idea that the initial decision is enough and now everything will be great without any further action. Her message is very much ‘no pain, no gain.’ You’re out of the river and on the bank, so get walking.

The destination is Christian maturity, and it is reached through endurance and discipline. She describes it thusly: “over hills, through thorns, through rivers up to our lipstick (I would never wear lipstick hiking), over cliffs…” (Ortlund, Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman, 19). This is an unexpected gem, this reminder that it’s not a stroll across a manicured lawn but a trek. And I am right there with her…until “if we’re willing to do this we won’t end up exhausted old frumps in muddy hiking boots…we’ll grow into God’s beautiful women. We’ll arrive at the City with better posture, and looking zingier and lovelier, than when we began.” (Ortlund, Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman, 20).

Seriously. Frumps. What does this even mean? Any idea on how many websites there are that are targeting moms and giving tips to ‘fight the frump’? A depressingly large number. With three young children and a full-time job, I’m lucky I get to shower some days. This message doesn’t help. Can’t we just own the ‘frump’ at this time in our lives?

The thing is, I was with Ortlund, and I actually think the idea is great–that the journey is long and strenuous but not exhausting, draining or defeating. But why did this concept have to be connected to physical appearance? Don’t we deal with that enough? I remember this growing up, the tension between ‘God doesn’t care what you look like on the outside’ and the pressure–from multiple sources–to look a certain way, to look beautiful for one’s husband. Meh. (I’m also not sure I agree with her use of commas in that last sentence.)

Don’t get me wrong. I care about my posture (required when you’re under 5 feet tall). Good posture requires work and discipline–that word she’s so fond of–but so do mercy, charity, justice, joy, peace, patience, kindness and self-control. Let’s talk about those disciplines.